Tools

[Bill Magitz]

who needs tools when there is duct tape ...........

> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Robinson, Art \(ON15\)" <art.robinson at honeywell.com>
> To: "Kawaski Discussion Group" <gpzlist at micapeak.com>
> Subject: Tools
> Date: Fri, 23 Feb 2007 08:24:38 -0500
> 
> 
> 	Here's a nice descriptive tool list that everyone on this list 
> will be able to identify with.
> 
> 	
> 
> 	Art, slowly warming up in TO.
> 
> 	
> 
> 	Tools
> 
> 	
> 
> 	This is a true account of what these particular tools were designed for:
> 
> 	
> 	DRILL PRESS:
> 
> 	A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal 
> bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and 
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that 
> freshly painted motorcycle part you were drying.
> 	
> 	WIRE WHEEL:
> 
> 	Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the 
> workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls 
> and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to 
> say, "Ouch!"
> 	
> 	ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
> 
> 	Normally used for spinning pop rivets you are trying to remove in 
> their holes until you die of old age.
> 
> 	
> 
> 	PLIERS:
> 
> 	Used to round off bolt heads.
> 	
> 	HACKSAW:
> 
> 	One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board 
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable 
> motion and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more 
> dismal your future becomes.
> 	
> 	VISE-GRIPS:
> 
> 	Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they 
> can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of 
> your hand.
> 	
> 	OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:
> 
> 	Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in 
> your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the 
> wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
> 	
> 	WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
> 
> 	Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they 
> are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ inch socket 
> you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.
> 	
> 	HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
> 
> 	Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have 
> installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly 
> under the bumper.
> 	
> 	EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4 (4x2 for Aussies):
> 
> 	Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
> 
> 	
> 
> 	TWEEZERS:
> 
> 	 A tool for removing wood splinters.
> 
> 	
> 
> 	PHONE:
> 
> 	Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic 
> floor jack.
> 
> 	
> 
> 	SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
> 
> 	Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; 
> used mainly for getting doggie poo off your boot.
> 	
> 	E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
> 
> 	A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in 
> bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
> 	
> 	TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
> 
> 	A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot 
> to disconnect.
> 
> 	
> 
> 	CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
> 
> 	A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined 
> screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
> 	
> 	AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
> 
> 	See hacksaw.
> 
> 	
> 	TROUBLE LIGHT:
> 
> 	The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop 
> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," 
> which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits 
> aside, it's main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at about 
> the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, 
> say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often 
> dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
> 	
> 	PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
> 
> 	Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans 
> and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name 
> implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> 	
> 	AIR COMPRESSOR:
> 
> 	A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 
> 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels 
> by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty 
> bolts, last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at GMC or Ford, 
> neatly rounding off their heads.
> 	
> 	PRY BAR:
> 
> 	A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket 
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> 	
> 	HOSE CUTTER:
> 
> 	A tool used to cut hoses too short.
> 
> 	
> 	HAMMER:
> 
> 	Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is 
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts 
> not far from the object we are trying to hit.
> 	
> 	MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
> 
> 	Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons 
> delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents 
> such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector 
> magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts.
> 	
> 	DAMMIT TOOL:
> 
> 	Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while 
> yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool 
> that you will need.
> 	
> 	EXPLETIVE:
> 
> 	A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases 
> those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in 
> foresight.

>


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